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I had a dream last night that I’d developed a line of hamster products called “Petit Hamster Life”.  I had hamster habitats, wheels, toys, pellet foods and bedding, all emblazoned with a sweet and adorable logo of a hamster wearing a purple beret. My products were flying out of the pet stores and I couldn’t keep up with the demand and was feeling a bit stressed, I remember.

Visionary stuff, I know.  Don’t try and steal my idea or I’ll kidnap you and trap you in a human-sized critter habitat I’ve made just for thieves and charlatans.

This Freecycle post is making me consider expanding my line to include gerbils, guinea pigs, ferrets, and yes, even hedgehogs.

OFFER: toy making kit for hedgehog-

Thanks to clemencywright for turning us on to this offer via Twitter
Yeah, I drew it for you.  ♥ Freakcycle

OFFER: Mxxxxxxxxxe New telescope left outside in the rain Dont know if it works anymore (?)

If this is not the height of laziness, and believe me, I have a PhD in laziness (as is evidenced by not posting in Freakcycle for two weeks).  If this post doesn’t take the blue ribbon for half-assedness, I truly don’t know what does.

Just look in the goddamn finder, for chrissakes to see if the telescope works.  Point it up to the sky and find the Planet of the Lazy Buffoon.  You recognize home, don’t you?

To top it all off, all info is thrown into the subject line because why even bother to write up a description for a questionable telescope? And punctuation? Never you mind.  Throw in a colon and a question mark in unecessary parentheses and call it a day.

Industrious readers and responsible citizens of Earth, I know that this type of Freecycle carelessness galls you to no end so to make up for this, I will give you a visual as to how I believe this post actually made it to Freecycle.

Please enjoy as I slip into geek-mode and describe my ideal storyline for a B-grade horror movie made on graduate-school budget.

Picture if you will,  a gelatinous blob with fingers (the only articulated body part it has) that drags itself across laminate flooring to the dusty computer in the dark. The ghostly light from the monitor picks up the gooey snail-like detritus left behind as the mass of flesh laboriously makes its trail from its hovel to the computer chair. As it snakes up the chair and heaves itself onto the keyboard, the sliding tray straining under all the weight, the 15-word telescope post is typed out 38 minutes later. With a loud thud, the blob drops out of the chair after hitting send and makes the long journey back to its hole in the wall, only the slimy trail left behind as evidence. Fade to credits…the end.

If you love gooey horror-ific creatures, check out this great post by Robert Hood at Undead Backbrain.  http://roberthood.net/blog/index.php/2011/04/10/blobs-swamp-muck-and-amorphous-things-that-go-splat-in-the-night/

Booze Clues

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OFFER:  “Blues Clues makes noise but no batteries”

When this post was submitted, my first thought was that the blue puppy might be possessed like my old pal Chucky so we almost titled it “Boos Clues”  but after the third cup of coffee, just as I was pouring the Kahlua in (kidding, I’m kidding) I said, “Ha, funny Freecycle mama’s dipping in the sauce and the toys are talking”.

I’ve been there, mama so I’m not judging.  Raising my coffee cup to you right now. Cheers!

Thanks to Gardenwife for submitting via Twitter.

Man-Bash Mish Mash

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Post ID 10527015
Type WANTED
Subject please help me get some furniture, able to refinish/fix up
Location rxxxxxxxr, xx

Hello, Without disclosing too much, i am going through a really ugly and sudden divorce. The man in which i was married to is hiding any assets that we acquired over the years. He has left me without a dime and even took the bedroom set. My 2 year old and i are now forced to move because he kindly put a stop payment on my rent check which all of my money went towards last month so i have now received an eviction notice. (You know any child and cat friendly places?) I have been looking different places to try to acquire my own things so hopefully my son and i can get back on our feet and rebuild our lives. However, as of now it feels a little bleak. Sorry for the ramble. If anyone has any bedroom set, frame, bureaus, dvd player (my son is losing it without non-stop toy story)end table (mainly bedroom stuff), couches or other household items that are not currently being used i would feel privledged to have them. It is extremely difficult to rebuild when you are in it alone and it is unexpected. Thank you very much for reading my post. If you do not have anything like this but feel the need to man bash, im your girl:) Thanks again, 
Dxxxe

Va-Moose

Post ID: 11959493

Type:OFFER

Subject: Papier Maché Moose Head

Location: Wxxxxxy Rxxxe

Description: Home made moose head free to good home. As much fun as making the moose was he just doesn’t fit in my new place and so he has to move on, I’d really rather not throw him out. Either someone as odd as me might like him or perhaps a drama group needing props? He’s quite big but is easy enough to mount on the wall. Photo included because otherwise no one would believe me.

Thanks to @oliverfaulkner for posting via Twitter



Cry Us A River

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Arrgh.  No funny Freecycle jokes running through our fine ship of fools.  Thank you to our faithful freakruits who continuously send us posts and keep us afloat.  We appreciate it so much because it gives us a reason to keep on keeping on even when the well is dry and the inspiration is not coming.

Ain’t that a bitch?  On the heels of “Waah Waah Week” and we’re the biggest llorones (español for crybabies…we’re still educational though, ain’t we?).

Freakcycle

WANTED: Lucite Cane-

Hi, I am 35 weeks pregnant,but,like with my son,am carrying a very heavy baby (7lbs 1oz so far!)So she is putting strain and pain in my knee and pelvis-the dr suggested buying or borrowing a cane,but I can’t afford one right now-anyone have a fashionable or clear/lucite cane they are willing to part with-I promise it will go to very good use!!
Thank you-
Liz and family (united states navy-submarine family)
Located in manhattan

At 35 weeks pregnant, can you even see the goddamn cane, lucite or not? One or two weeks more , baby out, and then the cane is gone.

I’m about to beat you over the head (don’t worry, only the head, just one or two times, no biggie…the baby’ll be allright).

RANT N’ RAVE RUN-ON SENTENCE ALERT- I’m about to beat some sense into you with my old man wooden cane all the while grumbling like an old man would when he beats someone because it’s perfectly acceptable at that age to take your frustrations out in a physical manner and no one calls the cops.

There…I’ve just beaten a pregnant woman in my mind like a psychotic octogenarian. Could I stoop any lower?